I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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