We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
