Small penises have feelings too.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
