i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
