Only a mothe r could love this liver
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
