Don't make out with my wife yet
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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