If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
