it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
