there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
