fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants