he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.