Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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