I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
