Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
