Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
