Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
