I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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