i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
