"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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