Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
