I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize