my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
