Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
