I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
