The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
