Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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