just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
