Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
