I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
