I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
