im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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