i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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