Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
