i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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