remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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