Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
