I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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