Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
