i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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