I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
