he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
