I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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