Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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