Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
