I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
