the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
