final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
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