My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
