You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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