drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
