Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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