i barfeds in our rink
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
