She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
