I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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