When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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