Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
