What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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